Tuesday, December 31, 2013
We're all addicted to something and to
Ourselves will quite often say,
"I'll battle this tomorrow when I have
More strength than I do today."
After years of mulling this over
Often twiddling my thumbs
I've come to the conclusion that
That tomorrow never comes.
Regardless how much we need the next day
To have to skills that are vast, one
Has to suck it up and accept that the truth is
It's pretty much like the last one.
Tomorrow (that sneaky bastard) can't help
And that desired assistance
Is forever doomed --- like the horizon --- to
Remain off in the distance.
But there's an upside to this grim reality
To swat away sweaty fear ---
Your best chance to fight whatever it is
That ails you is already here.
Everything happens today, so feel free
To unpack your sorrow
And accept there's no reason to wait to
Take big steps tomorrow.
Right now as you read this words, you can
(I hereby advise to you)
Stop smoking, overeating, drinking and-or
Whichever applies to you.
Whatever steps you choose to take are yours alone ---
You will figure out what they are and then
Do what's necessary. The Who, Where, What & Why
I can't provide but I can give you The When.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Chris Christie Allegedly Caused Four-Day Traffic Jam To Get Back At Jersey Pol For Not Endorsing Him
Would he really be this petty and vindictive?
Many have given a downward thumb to it.
His next explanation will be along the lines of,
"I'll gridlock that bridge when I come to it."
As you can imagine, this remark generated quite a
Bit of derisive squawking about
His lack of knowledge --- he clearly doesn't know
What the fork he's talking about.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
In 2012, San Bernadino filed for bankruptcy:
Some say that the city is on its death bed ---
If I ran KVCR, I would put on a show called,
"Scrapbooking For The Modern Meth Head."
Friday, December 27, 2013
The lesson to be learned here is pretty clear and
One might even call it conclusive:
If the band was called Elbow Riot, those exams
Would've been far less intrusive.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
For many Mormons, this has to be
The worst day of their lives
Since they believe marriage is only
Between a man & his wives.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
At a traffic light, with last-minute Christmas presents
On the passenger seat beside me, I saw Superman
On the sidewalk rummaging through a garbage can.
The only thing missing was a handmade sign
That said, "Will Save The World For Food."
Hair greasy, face unshaven
He was recognizable because on his chest
Was the unmistakable "S" logo.
Great Caesar's ghost! Where was Perry White?
Or Jimmy Olson and Lois Lane?
From the trash, Superman fished out the remains
Of a gingerbread blended coffee in a Starbucks cup
But didn't even try to warm it up with his x-ray vision.
This reality seemed unimaginable
But new media like the internet has put old media
On the endangered species list.
Maybe Clark Kent got laid off after foolishly
Not taking the first buyout offer
When The Daily Planet was sold.
(Low readership, one could argue, is the
Newspaper business' version of kryptonite.)
Clark started at the paper in 1938, which suggests
He once enjoyed the warm embrace of job security.
The Fortress Of Solitude was surely bought and paid for
But if his x-ray vision was kaput,
He probably couldn't fly and clearly
Didn't have plane fare.
Suddenly feeling heroic, I parked my car, leaped out
Started running and yanked open my white button-down shirt
Which billowed behind me like a cape
As I raced off to rescue the planet's most famous superhero
Who was heading towards a dumpster behind a supermarket.
I knew this wasn't really Lex Luthor's sworn enemy.
He was just a down and out guy wearing a t-shirt
That conveyed an irony that was totally lost on him
Which was appropriate since he was totally lost.
I didn't find him
Outside Whole Foods
Or on the surrounding streets.
Like the real Man Of Steal
Homeless Superman vanished
Faster than a speeding bullet.
Monday, December 23, 2013
This should've resulted in a quick
And sincere mea culpa:
What we get instead is more along
The lines of theya culpa.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
Mr. Kingston, when God gets wind of this
I imagine He'll be at war with you
And my guess is on Judgment Day that He
Is going to sweep the floor with you.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Another country, another regime and another
Leader who's in freedom's way:
Brody could shoot but not dunk. This new spy
Is a guy who played in the NBA.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
I've long suspected John's ties to special interests
From things he's done and said ---
I didn't guess that this person he was in bed with
Would have his own tanning bed.
Honestly, that really wasn't a very diplomatic thing
For the senator from Arizona to have said:
They should hug it out & catch a matinee of the new
DeNiro and Stallone boxing movie instead.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
I'd like some serious art critics to weigh in ---
If they don't volunteer, let's just recruit them
And if they write things that threaten George,
He can stand his ground again & shoot them.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Judy Boyd once sentenced a teen to fourteen years
For a death in a fistfight attack ---
For those of you keeping score, that adolescent
Wasn't rich but was definitely Black.
Newport Academy costs around a half million a year
To teach pampered punks etiquette:
It's opening four new branches next year in New York,
California as well as Connecticut.
This reminds me of
Too big to fail:
File this one under
Too rich to jail.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
No matter in whatever way you may
Contrive it, let's
Admit it's a world of have-nots and
Have private jets.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Abercrombie & Fitch: “Overweight People Are Welcome!” (To Shop Online Only In Test Program --- Big Sizes Won’t Be Sold In Stores)
As far as segregation goes, one
Wouldn't call it Jim Crow
But it's not too much of a stretch
To refer to it as Slim Crow.
The nation's gun laws haven't tightened at all ---
Most Republicans are not down
With upsetting the NRA & made sure any reform
(Like those kids) was shot down.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Translation: "I disliked him so much
That anyone can easily deduce
How I didn't even try & come up with
A remotely believable excuse."
Was this some rookie mistake? Nah, Barack's
Hardly a rookie --- let alone a newbie --- so
Let's assume that a presidential perk sometimes
Is doing stuff just to piss off Marco Rubio.
A source close to the investigation said this could result
In prison time for these alleged crooks
As well as at least one Denzel Washington feature film
And perhaps two James Ellroy books.
Monday, December 9, 2013
One would have to imagine this very sweet deal
Must have Bob Filner's full support
But his home objects and plans to take its case
All the way to the Supreme Court.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
Authorities in South Africa agreed:
They arrested Rick & decided to
Lock him up. Sources say his parole
Could come as early as 2042.
I look forward to looking back at this
Ghoulish practice having ceased:
What possible good is there in having
Sandy Hook's 911 calls released?
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Years from now, Mr. Bashir will still recall how
His career at MSNBC went south
With this comment that at the end of the day left
A bad taste in everyone's mouth.
Rob Ford Allegedly Tried To Buy Back The Cell Phone He Left At A Crack House For Five Grand And A Car
It's appalling a mayor did crack in a crack house:
This is --- at best --- an untoward situation.
But was he trying to be fiscally frugal? Oh, yeah.
No wasteful spending here: go Ford Nation!
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
They've already lost McDonald's, Coca-Cola, Walmart, GE,
Kraft, Procter & Gamble and Amazon.
That's only a partial list, A cynic might say they're history
Like those ancient ruins of Babylon.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
So investigators wouldn't feel their warmth and
Know they just came from the printer
Which likely would've caused Bernie's empire
To prematurely collapse and splinter.
To appeal to corporate thieves, Xerox
Should introduce a new tool:
A printer whose pages will emerge from
The copier not warm but cool.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Mitch is just trying to look like he can still manage
To hold down the fort
But is afraid to say their name like Hogwarts kids
Were with Voldemort.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Translation: "I haven't had a hit in many years:
I'm bitter and old with prospects dim.
I'm so f***ing sad that my time has passed but
I feel a little better being mad at him."
Friday, November 29, 2013
I've got nothing at all to add to this headline ---
It's just that I will always sprint
At an opportunity to see the words "bunga bunga"
Have a chance to appear in print.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
The X-rated films being viewed would appeal to
Any Jihadist or Sheikh ---
"Debbie Does Dubai," "Behind The Green Zone"
And "Arab Spring Break."
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Supreme Court Will Hear Religious Health Law Dispute: Key Case Involves Store That Didn’t Want To Sell Hanukah Products
The owner of Hobby Lobby is a good Christian but
It's not easy to try and ignore a
Stand that appears anti-Semitic. CEO David Green:
Would it kill you to sell a menorah?
(Mr. Green, one last thing. About your name. It's ... kinda
Jewish. Shouldn't you have arranged by now
To have done something about that? I'm totally fahklumpt
That you haven't already changed it by now.)
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Murdoch Execs Now On Trial Had An Affair, Murdoch's Ex-wife Rumored To Have Had Fling With Tony Blair
How fitting that these three ruthless people whose daily lives
Were spent sweating over constant deadlines
About the rich and famous misbehaving would later wind up
As salacious fodder for tabloid headlines.
Friday, November 22, 2013
This Major General had a colorful life:
Nowadays he'd be a Birther.
His ultra-conservative views then just
Made him a John Bircher.
His politics got Walker reassigned.
The next move for this reptilian
Guy was resigning so he could do
What he wanted as a civilian.
In '62 in news that was broadcast
All across the nation,
He organized Mississippi protests
But this isn't the only reason Walker's famous:
What happens still perplexes
On an April night about a year or so later when
Walker was living in Texas.
Long story short, someone took a shot
Which intended to be hitting
Walker, who at that moment was at a
Desk in his dining room sitting.
But he was lucky: the bullet grazed him
After smashing a window frame.
The gunman's aim eventually improved
And he gained a measure of fame
When seven months later --- let's call it
The month of November ---
He fired some other bullets in Dallas, the
Details of which you may remember.
Our world would have been far better served
In a way that would unequivocally matter
If Oswald's shooting had been more effective
In the former incident instead of the latter.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Trey Radel is doing the right thing --- perhaps
Normalcy can be restored here.
Addiction is not an easy cross to bear. (Insert
Punch line about Rob Ford here.)
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Having wreaked world-wide havoc with their greed
I'm confused what the onus is
For guys like CEO Jamie Dimon who still has his job
And is still collecting bonuses.
Monday, November 18, 2013
If he looks to reality TV and decides this is
Where he wants to be cashing in
On his current fame, he could easily become
A real threat to every Kardashian.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
By taking this position, Cornelius Gurlitt
Signals he’s ready for a brawl
Having had himself painted into a corner
By Picasso, Matisse & Chagall.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Emergency Powers In Case Of Natural Disaster Are Taken From Rob Ford, Given To Toronto’s Deputy Mayor
This is a good and necessary idea and they
Should've done it even faster:
In related news, isn't it fair to say that Ford
Is already a "natural disaster?"
Abolishing their labor camps? Ah, c'mon --- really?
What a girly man thing to do!
What's next, allowing some couples to have two kids?
(They're letting that happen, too.)
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Genevieve Sabourin --- now that
You've been hauled in
To jail, I have two words for you:
A bitter man who's past his prime. Many folks
Can't believe he's still working ---
His latest bid for attention is nothing more than
A columnist's version of twerking.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
The cars, buildings & passers-by are colorless & old.
She's young & exuberant in ways that are various
As her long hair floats through the air with abandon
In this accidental trailer for the Age of Aquarius.
Why The Obamacare Web Site Probably Not Working Right By November 30th (As Promised) Is Not Exactly A Surprise
They underestimated the time it would take to fix it
Like a friend who insists that they won't be long
Just fifteen minutes late for dinner because saying
It's more like forty-five minutes sounds so wrong.
A photo op like that, my God, what
You get a chance to see does
Remind you a Bobblehead has more
Credibility than he does.
Readers have lashed out at Wolf Blitzer --- he was
Totally stunned, although in
All fairness the dismay from people is just because
He looks like Richard Cohen.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Now It Hits Me Why "60 Minutes" On-Air Discussion Of Their Controversial Benghazi Segment Was So Weird
Lara Logan's explanation was very carefully worded
Hiding any details embarrassing or gory:
It seems that far more effort was put into her apology
Than was spent investigating this story.
Promoting New Book, Sarah Palin Compares The Government Borrowing From Other Countries To … Slavery?
Her disconnect was more absurd than usual here
(In case any of you might have missed this)
Her nasty speech was promoting "Good Tidings &
Great Joy: Protecting The Heart Of Christmas."
Monday, November 11, 2013
The curious aspect
Of this belief
Is the orthodoxy
Sunday, November 10, 2013
This scandal --- like Dan Rather's --- is bound to result
In changes of the program's staffing.
My guess is he hasn't weighed in yet simply because
He's been unable to stop laughing.
Actual soldiers may disagree with this claim
And tell Cruise to shove it:
Another case of jumping the couch? Nah, it's
Paragliding high above it.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Let's not even begin to discus the mayor's
Massive problem with overeating
And hope someone soon can drive his mother
To the nearest Al-Anon meeting.
Jim Bequette’s credibility there?
He no longer had a shred. Start
The rumor that all the magazine
Finally gave him was a head start.
Has Colorado's Jeffrey Hare totally lost his mind?
I bet he thinks the Unabomber's shack was way too
Many British Papers Covering The Murdoch Phone Hacking Trial End Their Stories By Saying, “The Trial Continues”
So proper, so English, so curious
That this is occurring:
Totally unnecessary and yet also
Thursday, November 7, 2013
This is one ugly and nasty video
A fact that's clear pronto:
It's like a deranged Chris Farley
Is the mayor of Toronto.
Jim Bequette had guts to write that piece and for
That should be admired --- at
The present he’s far less worried about being fired
Than he is about being fired at.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
I izz sew tiredd ov thee govrnmint telllin me wwhut too ddo.
Thhey kin all jus go rite too helll.
Furst theey wiill taik all our gunz aaand yeew no whats next?
Tellin uss hou to speek andd spel.
Some top strategist still seething this morning
(Unshaven and hung over in his robe)
Pulled himself --- and his party --- together and
Started a fact-finding transvaginal probe.
It claims his attire was informal there ---
A windbreaker and jeans and sneakers.
It wasn’t even at one of his kids’ schools:
He just wanted to yell at some teachers.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Sure, I care that Doug Ford’s admitted to smoking crack
And that to Canada he’s a one-man plague
But I’m just as bothered that he looks like a shop teacher
Who got kicked to the curb by Jenny Craig.
However, of course, this only applies if you
Are living in the 15th century.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Mr. Schmidt, some of us feel the same way, too, but
Perhaps you never had one misgiving
About Google Earth posting many detailed pictures
Of the places we happen to be living.
I could elaborate, however, I have something else to do.
Full disclosure: I oughta warn ya
I'm off to Google Earth to check out that home you may
Still have in Atherton, California.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
His long and winding journey? Let's
See what happened to Bernie Goetz.
Shooting punks left New York reeling, he'd
Now seem far happier simply dealing weed.
The first headline about this in The Guardian sounded like
Working out was a lethal chore ---
It conveyed an altogether unintended meaning by saying,
"Exercise Nearly Led To Nuclear War."
Friday, November 1, 2013
Why would he decide to make this move right now?
I’d bet if you ran it by him
He’d admit because Germany is a much nicer place
Than Russia to seek asylum.
My guess is if we look a little closer at some
Of these alleged offenders
We’ll find not only hate group ties but also
Belts as well as suspenders.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
So, what we all need to do right now
Is quietly take a breath
And accept that life's only certainty
Would appear to be death.
What a juicy story! It’s just the kind that Murdoch’s
Minions were always lurking for ---
They’ll have a field day with this. Hold on, I forgot:
It’s Murdoch they were working for.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Republicans Oppose Obamacare --- But They’re Angry That Computer Glitches Are Delaying Its Implementation?
Shouldn't all these screw-ups make them happy?
Why publicly put the onus
On HHS Secretary Selbelius? They instead should
Recommend she get a bonus.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
His free time because he loves “Homeland” and wants
To find out how season three ends.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Second Black Shopper Arrested After Leaving Barneys And Being Wrongfully Charged With Credit Card Fraud
But cops will then detain every Black person who got a free gift when
They’re three blocks away from the taping.
Which, you have to admit, would be a
Very different kind of story.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Be my cue to stop playing, jump overboard & use
My stringed instrument as a paddle.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Jamie, let me take a moment here to
Politely remind you
When you are the problem, you can’t
Put it behind you.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Why Senator Ted Cruz Spending So Much Time On House Issues Is Like A Weird Neighborhood Watch Meeting
Someone finally gets a word in edgewise and then
Tells him, “You don’t even live on this street.”
To reveal a major “Homeland” plot point that
Helped define its second season?
Friday, October 18, 2013
I suggest you send a below the waist selfie to Al Gore,
The guy who (duh) invented it.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
He’ll be tearing down his home just as
The Tea Party has torn down the House.
Shutting down the government to stop Obamacare?
Not a well-thought out plan of attack
It’s like being bombed here at home by the Saudis
And then deciding to invade Iraq.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Ted Cruz Hired As A Waiter At Tortilla Coast Where He Held His Secret Tea Party Meeting In The Basement
Unable to serve you & your only sustenance will have to be my
Reading from ‘Green Eggs and Ham.’”
So, who exactly is to blame the most?
I won’t linger anointing
Boehner or Cruz. Let’s just sit back &
Enjoy the finger pointing.
Tea Party can hurt the U.S. much more than we can:
Maybe we can disband al Qaeda.”
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Is pretty clear that for the GOP it’s a compliment
To be called a “Confederate.”
What single event best describes the current state
Of his debasement?
He met with House pals in a Tex-Mex restaurant
Down in the basement.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Dawned on them they could now whine,
“We didn’t cave! Blame the Senate!”
Sunday, October 13, 2013
That like-minded pols who insisted Romney couldn’t lose
Now work in the private sector.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Monday, October 7, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
So declares its CEO Howard Schultz.
This really pulls my
Chain in how it so masterfully hits the
Monday, September 16, 2013
Somber? Who knew? Great journalism, guys!
That's such insightful working.
I assumed Andrew Dice Clay would be booked
And Miley would be twerking.
What a welcome, generous offer! To this discussion
I'm sure he has a lot to bring, which
Would assist all parties concerned with this crisis ---
I do hope he calls President Gingrich.
Friday, July 26, 2013
I’ve seen Anne Hathaway’s lady bits and
Britney Spears’ too and yet
Both of these glimpses that showed up
For millions on the internet
Were photos exiting from cars on nights
Out that seemed glamorous ---
They weren’t intentionally sharing them
To be either risqué or amorous.
So, Mr. Weiner, who soon won’t be a
Mayoral candidate, I suggest
The next time you’re compelled to send
(Yet another) x-rated sext
Do it with a little style --- perhaps you can
Find a smart-looking speedo.
If not, please accessorize your johnson with
A tiny bow tie and tuxedo.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Trayvon Martin left this world
With a terrifying scream
The worst that any of us could
Imagine in a bad dream.
This aural evidence alone was
So gripping and so grim
They had to argue, "You know,
That was George. Not him."
The dying cry that unlucky Trayvon
Became a defense ploy that helped
Get their client acquitted.
How low can lawyers go? Let
When push comes to shove,
Whenever Zimmerman's defense team
Arrives at heaven's gate
I hope St. Peter says just for a moment
They'll have to wait.
He'll study their resumes and then blurt out,
"What was that crap for?"
Referring to lying about Trayvon's scream
As he opens the trap door.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
by Kathy & Tony Peyser
When we applied to colleges, we were
Mindful of a crucial rule:
Pick one place we knew we'd get into
To be our "safety school."
Snowden’s currently up in the air & can’t
Claim any suitable location:
It’s his own damn fault that he neglected
To select a “safety nation.”
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Current projects that he now has in development include
A large number of things ---
“It’s A Wonderful Afterlife,” “All About Adam and Eve”
And “The Lion King Of Kings.”
One additional film in the pipeline Santorum hopes
Paul Newman fans will adore
Is based on a popular motion picture from 1967 ---
“Cool Hand Luke 1:1-4.”
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
I once asked a casting director a question
She couldn’t ignore:
“Is there is a certain type of actor you’re
Always looking for?”
Geri Windsor smiled sweetly --- as if it were
Somewhat absurd of
Me not to know: “A great one around forty
Who no one’s heard of.”
That elusive commodity is still sought after now and
It wasn’t luck but Fate
That 37-year-old James Gandolfini met David Chase
Back in 1998.
Off they went & we all hopped in the back seat of
“The Sopranos” car. Is
It not true that Gandolfini became a star but also
Redefined what a star is?
I had looked forward to his future acting career & hoped
That Gandolfini would eventually play
Roles by lugs like Paul Douglas and Broderick Crawford
In “Clash By Night” & “Born Yesterday.”
But what might've been isn’t what’s important right now ---
What was the hand we’ve been dealt?
Seeing one of our greatest actors in one of the greatest roles
Who made us feel things we’d never felt.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
“Traitor? Hell, no! He’s an American hero!”
Will be their sole answer ---
Not for what he did in his job but because
His girlfriend’s a pole dancer.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Details Of Previous Incident With Santa Monica Shooter Aren’t Released --- He Was A Juvenile At The Time
This kind of legal restraint
Suddenly seems to me --- I dunno --- more
Than just a little bit quaint.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
He can go into take care of business mode
And aggressively sit on them
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
You hit him with your car, then used sharp knives.
Each of you is such a fraud ---
Afraid to fight fair, you hid behind your vehicle as
You also hide behind your god.
Boasting into that stranger’s cell phone, one of you
Looked both bloody & sweaty
Utterly clueless of the damage to your religion that
You just did with your machete.
Truth be told, I don’t know much about any religion.
However, the thing that doesn’t fly I’ve
Concluded is after hearing of that soldier’s killing
That Allah wanted to give a high-five.
Monday, May 6, 2013
When Reese says, “Do you know
My name?” (which I love a lot)
She’s indignant. It’s not because
She’s so drunk that she forgot.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Contrition as he swiftly switches
Gears to spend more time with his family:
I bet he calls them “sissy bitches.”
Rage like this is toxic and in its own
Special way kind of obscene:
It’s also tough to be a badass when
You look like Mister Bean.
Monday, April 1, 2013
April is National Poetry Month and Autism Awareness Month.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
His daughter, Ann, was booked for child endangerment
The other charge that came up during that traffic incident
Was, if memory serves, a DUI.
You really do have to think about how she was raised ---
Being a fair guy, this usually forbids
Leaping to conclusions but maybe different-sex parents like
Antonin & Ann aren’t good for kids.
Monday, March 25, 2013
(I live near a popular hiking spot in Altadena,
every weekend some hapless nature lover
gets hurt and then has
situation is now beyond out of control.)
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
But this 20th century habit
Yet the makers all of
This habit and find ways
Monday, March 11, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
He’s tiny, super cute and when
The paparazzi en masse are sicced
On Justin, you can bet he will get
His Canadian asterisk kicked.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Saturday, March 2, 2013
From under ten to nearly twenty, they’re lured