Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The When

We're all addicted to something and to
Ourselves will quite often say,
"I'll battle this tomorrow when I have
More strength than I do today."

After years of mulling this over
Often twiddling my thumbs
I've come to the conclusion that
That tomorrow never comes.

Regardless how much we need the next day
To have to skills that are vast, one
Has to suck it up and accept that the truth is
It's pretty much like the last one.

Tomorrow (that sneaky bastard) can't help
And that desired assistance
Is forever doomed --- like the horizon --- to
Remain off in the distance.

But there's an upside to this grim reality
To swat away sweaty fear ---
Your best chance to fight whatever it is
That ails you is already here.

Everything happens today, so feel free
To unpack your sorrow
And accept there's no reason to wait to
Take big steps tomorrow.

Right now as you read this words, you can
(I hereby advise to you)
Stop smoking, overeating, drinking and-or
Whichever applies to you.

Whatever steps you choose to take are yours alone ---
You will figure out what they are and then
Do what's necessary. The Who, Where, What & Why
I can't provide but I can give you The When.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Chris Christie Allegedly Caused Four-Day Traffic Jam To Get Back At Jersey Pol For Not Endorsing Him

Would he really be this petty and vindictive?
Many have given a downward thumb to it.
His next explanation will be along the lines of,
"I'll gridlock that bridge when I come to it."


Conservative Writer Noel Sheppard Tells Readers “Spooning” Is A Sexual Position

As you can imagine, this remark generated quite a
Bit of derisive squawking about
His lack of knowledge --- he clearly doesn't know
What the fork he's talking about.


Saturday, December 28, 2013

One Of The Three PBS Stations That I Get Is In One Of The Most Drug-Infested Areas In America

In 2012, San Bernadino filed for bankruptcy:
Some say that the city is on its death bed ---
If I ran KVCR, I would put on a show called,
"Scrapbooking For The Modern Meth Head."


Friday, December 27, 2013

One Pussy Riot Member Was Forced To Have Daily Gynecological Exams In Russian Prison

The lesson to be learned here is pretty clear and
One might even call it conclusive:
If the band was called Elbow Riot, those exams
Would've been far less intrusive.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Federal Judge Strikes Down Utah’s Same-Sex Marriage Ban

For many Mormons, this has to be
The worst day of their lives
Since they believe marriage is only
Between a man & his wives.


Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Homeless Superman

At a traffic light, with last-minute Christmas presents
On the passenger seat beside me, I saw Superman
On the sidewalk rummaging through a garbage can.

The only thing missing was a handmade sign
That said, "Will Save The World For Food."
Hair greasy, face unshaven

He was recognizable because on his chest
Was the unmistakable "S" logo.
Great Caesar's ghost! Where was Perry White?

Or Jimmy Olson and Lois Lane?
From the trash, Superman fished out the remains
Of a gingerbread blended coffee in a Starbucks cup

But didn't even try to warm it up with his x-ray vision.
This reality seemed unimaginable
But new media like the internet has put old media

On the endangered species list.
Maybe Clark Kent got laid off after foolishly
Not taking the first buyout offer

When The Daily Planet was sold.
(Low readership, one could argue, is the
Newspaper business' version of kryptonite.)

Clark started at the paper in 1938, which suggests
He once enjoyed the warm embrace of job security.
The Fortress Of Solitude was surely bought and paid for

But if his x-ray vision was kaput,
He probably couldn't fly and clearly
Didn't have plane fare.

Suddenly feeling heroic, I parked my car, leaped out
Started running and yanked open my white button-down shirt
Which billowed behind me like a cape

As I raced off to rescue the planet's most famous superhero
Who was heading towards a dumpster behind a supermarket.
I knew this wasn't really Lex Luthor's sworn enemy.

He was just a down and out guy wearing a t-shirt
That conveyed an irony that was totally lost on him
Which was appropriate since he was totally lost.

I didn't find him
Outside Whole Foods
Or on the surrounding streets.

Like the real Man Of Steal
Homeless Superman vanished
Faster than a speeding bullet.

Monday, December 23, 2013

After Huge Case Of Stolen Customer Information, Target And Credit Card Companies Point Fingers

This should've resulted in a quick
And sincere mea culpa:
What we get instead is more along
The lines of theya culpa.


Sunday, December 22, 2013

Mulling Over Widespread NSA Surveillance

Considering our addiction to social media
Where every private act is toasted
Is there anything left to be eavesdropped on
That hasn't already been posted?

Friday, December 20, 2013

Rep. Jack Kingston (R-Ga.) Wants Poor Students To Work As Janitors In Exchange For Lunch

Mr. Kingston, when God gets wind of this
I imagine He'll be at war with you
And my guess is on Judgment Day that He
Is going to sweep the floor with you.


Thursday, December 19, 2013

Possible New Direction For "Homeland"

Another country, another regime and another
Leader who's in freedom's way:
Brody could shoot but not dunk. This new spy
Is a guy who played in the NBA.



Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Boehner Rents An Apartment From A Lobbyist For The American Suntanning Association

I've long suspected John's ties to special interests
From things he's done and said ---
I didn't guess that this person he was in bed with
Would have his own tanning bed.



John McCain To Harry Reid: “I’m Gonna Kick The Crap Out Of You”

Honestly, that really wasn't a very diplomatic thing
For the senator from Arizona to have said:
They should hug it out & catch a matinee of the new
DeNiro and Stallone boxing movie instead.


Tuesday, December 17, 2013

George Zimmerman Is Selling His Paintings To Pay Off His Legal Fees

I'd like some serious art critics to weigh in ---
If they don't volunteer, let's just recruit them
And if they write things that threaten George,
He can stand his ground again & shoot them.




Monday, December 16, 2013

Judge Who Sent Rich Texas Teen To Rehab For Killing Four In Car Crash Is (Conveniently) Retiring

Judy Boyd once sentenced a teen to fourteen years
For a death in a fistfight attack ---
For those of you keeping score, that adolescent
Wasn't rich but was definitely Black.

Newport Academy costs around a half million a year
To teach pampered punks etiquette:
It's opening four new branches next year in New York,
California as well as Connecticut.

Wealthy Texas Teen Who Drunkenly Killed Four People Didn't Wind Up Behind Bars But In Rehab

This reminds me of
Too big to fail:
File this one under
Too rich to jail.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Abercrombie & Fitch: “Overweight People Are Welcome!” (To Shop Online Only In Test Program --- Big Sizes Won’t Be Sold In Stores)

As far as segregation goes, one
Wouldn't call it Jim Crow
But it's not too much of a stretch
To refer to it as Slim Crow.


One Year After The Newtown Massacre

The nation's gun laws haven't tightened at all ---
Most Republicans are not down
With upsetting the NRA & made sure any reform
(Like those kids) was shot down. 

"Inside Llewyn Davis"

Here's to all the unsung singers who
Valiantly dared with all
Their hearts but never found success'
Elusive wherewithal.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Netanyahu Didn’t Attend Mandela’s Funeral Because Of “The High Cost Of Travel”

Translation: "I disliked him so much
That anyone can easily deduce
How I didn't even try & come up with
A remotely believable excuse."

Obama Shook Hands With Raul Castro At Nelson Mandela’s Memorial Service

Was this some rookie mistake? Nah, Barack's
Hardly a rookie --- let alone a newbie --- so
Let's assume that a presidential perk sometimes
Is doing stuff just to piss off Marco Rubio.


18 Los Angeles Sheriffs Arrested In Widespread Probe Of Corruption And Abuse

A source close to the investigation said this could result
In prison time for these alleged crooks
As well as at least one Denzel Washington feature film
And perhaps two James Ellroy books.


Monday, December 9, 2013

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Nelson Mandela (1918-2013)

He was sent away but he didn't go away ---
What demands more
Attention is how hard it is to imprison what
Someone stands for.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Santorum Says Fight Against Obamacare Is Like Battle Against Apartheid

Authorities in South Africa agreed:
They arrested Rick & decided to
Lock him up. Sources say his parole
Could come as early as 2042.



Frantic Attempts To Get Help During The 2012 Connecticut School Shooting Are Made Public

I look forward to looking back at this
Ghoulish practice having ceased:
What possible good is there in having
Sandy Hook's 911 calls released?


Thursday, December 5, 2013

Martin Bashir Loses TV Show Over Vulgar Comment About Sarah Palin

Years from now, Mr. Bashir will still recall how
His career at MSNBC went south
With this comment that at the end of the day left
A bad taste in everyone's mouth.

Rob Ford Allegedly Tried To Buy Back The Cell Phone He Left At A Crack House For Five Grand And A Car

It's appalling a mayor did crack in a crack house:
This is --- at best --- an untoward situation.
But was he trying to be fiscally frugal? Oh, yeah.
No wasteful spending here: go Ford Nation!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Post-Trayvon Martin, ALEC (The Group Behind “Stand Your Ground” Laws) Has Big Fundraising Problems

They've already lost McDonald's, Coca-Cola, Walmart, GE,
Kraft, Procter & Gamble and Amazon.
That's only a partial list, A cynic might say they're history
Like those ancient ruins of Babylon.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Why Did Top Madoff Associates Put Newly Fabricated Financial Documents In The Freezer?

So investigators wouldn't feel their warmth and
Know they just came from the printer
Which likely would've caused Bernie's empire
To prematurely collapse and splinter.

To appeal to corporate thieves, Xerox
Should introduce a new tool:
A printer whose pages will emerge from
The copier not warm but cool.


Monday, December 2, 2013

McConnell Rips Tea Party For Damaging GOP Brand But Refuses To Actually Mention Them

Mitch is just trying to look like he can still manage
To hold down the fort
But is afraid to say their name like Hogwarts kids
Were with Voldemort.


Saturday, November 30, 2013

David Mamet Calls Obama A "Tyrant"

Translation: "I haven't had a hit in many years:
I'm bitter and old with prospects dim.
I'm so f***ing sad that my time has passed but
I feel a little better being mad at him."


Friday, November 29, 2013

Berlusconi Accused Of Paying Off Girls Who Attended His “Bunga Bunga” Sex Parties

I've got nothing at all to add to this headline ---
It's just that I will always sprint
At an opportunity to see the words "bunga bunga"
Have a chance to appear in print.


Thursday, November 28, 2013

Something To Not Be Grateful For In 2013

A wall to wall
Mauling in the mall
Without any stopping ---

My main misgiving
Is that now Thanksgiving
Is "The Purge" with shopping.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Supreme Court Will Hear Religious Health Law Dispute: Key Case Involves Store That Didn’t Want To Sell Hanukah Products

The owner of Hobby Lobby is a good Christian but
It's not easy to try and ignore a
Stand that appears anti-Semitic. CEO David Green:
Would it kill you to sell a menorah?

(Mr. Green, one last thing. About your name. It's ... kinda
Jewish. Shouldn't you have arranged by now
To have done something about that? I'm totally fahklumpt
That you haven't already changed it by now.)


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Murdoch Execs Now On Trial Had An Affair, Murdoch's Ex-wife Rumored To Have Had Fling With Tony Blair

How fitting that these three ruthless people whose daily lives
Were spent sweating over constant deadlines
About the rich and famous misbehaving would later wind up
As salacious fodder for tabloid headlines.


Friday, November 22, 2013

Edwin Walker

This Major General had a colorful life:
Nowadays he'd be a Birther.
His ultra-conservative views then just
Made him a John Bircher.

His politics got Walker reassigned.
The next move for this reptilian
Guy was resigning so he could do
What he wanted as a civilian.

In '62 in news that was broadcast
All across the nation,
He organized Mississippi protests
Against integration.

But this isn't the only reason Walker's famous:
What happens still perplexes
On an April night about a year or so later when
Walker was living in Texas.

Long story short, someone took a shot
Which intended to be hitting
Walker, who at that moment was at a
Desk in his dining room sitting.

But he was lucky: the bullet grazed him
After smashing a window frame.
The gunman's aim eventually improved
And he gained a measure of fame

When seven months later --- let's call it
The month of November ---
He fired some other bullets in Dallas, the
Details of which you may remember.

Our world would have been far better served
In a way that would unequivocally matter
If Oswald's shooting had been more effective
In the former incident instead of the latter.


Fifty Years Since JFK's Assassination

Fox News, the internet and cable TV
Were not around back in 1963.

Those things for sure would have got him
Long before Lee Harvey Oswald shot him.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Substance-Abusing GOP Lawmaker Will Take Leave Of Absence For Treatment

Trey Radel is doing the right thing --- perhaps
Normalcy can be restored here.
Addiction is not an easy cross to bear. (Insert
Punch line about Rob Ford here.)


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

JP Morgan Will Pay $13 Billion In Landmark Settlement Over Risky Mortgage-backed Securities

Having wreaked world-wide havoc with their greed
I'm confused what the onus is
For guys like CEO Jamie Dimon who still has his job
And is still collecting bonuses.


Monday, November 18, 2013

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's Bizarre Behavior Leaves Him Stripped Of Most Powers

If he looks to reality TV and decides this is
Where he wants to be cashing in
On his current fame, he could easily become
A real threat to every Kardashian.


Sunday, November 17, 2013

Friday, November 15, 2013

Emergency Powers In Case Of Natural Disaster Are Taken From Rob Ford, Given To Toronto’s Deputy Mayor

This is a good and necessary idea and they
Should've done it even faster:
In related news, isn't it fair to say that Ford
Is already a "natural disaster?"


China Makes Bold Move

Abolishing their labor camps? Ah, c'mon --- really?
What a girly man thing to do!
What's next, allowing some couples to have two kids?
(They're letting that happen, too.)


Thursday, November 14, 2013

While Alec Baldwin’s Stalker Spends Six Months In Jail, She Should Consider Lowering Her Sights

Genevieve Sabourin --- now that
You've been hauled in
To jail, I have two words for you:
Stephen Baldwin.


Mulling Over That Richard Cohen Piece In The Washington Post

A bitter man who's past his prime. Many folks
Can't believe he's still working ---
His latest bid for attention is nothing more than
A columnist's version of twerking.


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

That Short Black & White Film Of Teri Garr Dancing On Hollywood Boulevard In 1966

The cars, buildings & passers-by are colorless & old.
She's young & exuberant in ways that are various
As her long hair floats through the air with abandon
In this accidental trailer for the Age of Aquarius.


Why The Obamacare Web Site Probably Not Working Right By November 30th (As Promised) Is Not Exactly A Surprise

They underestimated the time it would take to fix it
Like a friend who insists that they won't be long
Just fifteen minutes late for dinner because saying
It's more like forty-five minutes sounds so wrong.


Besieged Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Refuses To Leave, Signs “Robbie Bobbie” Bobbleheads At City Hall

A photo op like that, my God, what
You get a chance to see does
Remind you a Bobblehead has more
Credibility than he does.


Fallout From Racist Washington Post Column Being Felt Even At CNN

Readers have lashed out at Wolf Blitzer --- he was
Totally stunned, although in
All fairness the dismay from people is just because
He looks like Richard Cohen.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Now It Hits Me Why "60 Minutes" On-Air Discussion Of Their Controversial Benghazi Segment Was So Weird

Lara Logan's explanation was very carefully worded
Hiding any details embarrassing or gory:
It seems that far more effort was put into her apology
Than was spent investigating this story.


Promoting New Book, Sarah Palin Compares The Government Borrowing From Other Countries To … Slavery?

Her disconnect was more absurd than usual here
(In case any of you might have missed this)
Her nasty speech was promoting "Good Tidings &
Great Joy: Protecting The Heart Of Christmas."



Monday, November 11, 2013

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Fired "60 Minutes" Icon Hasn't Commented Yet On Show's Humiliating Benghazi Story

This scandal --- like Dan Rather's --- is bound to result
In changes of the program's staffing.
My guess is he hasn't weighed in yet simply because
He's been unable to stop laughing.


Tom Cruise Compares Acting Career To A Tour Of Duty In Afghanistan

Actual soldiers may disagree with this claim
And tell Cruise to shove it:
Another case of jumping the couch? Nah, it's
Paragliding high above it.


Friday, November 8, 2013

Rob Ford’s Mother Insists Her Son No Longer Drive But Also Claims He Has No Substance Abuse Issues

Let's not even begin to discus the mayor's
Massive problem with overeating
And hope someone soon can drive his mother
To the nearest Al-Anon meeting.


Guns & Ammo Editor Who Published Pro-Gun Control Editorial Is Fired

Jim Bequette’s credibility there?
He no longer had a shred. Start
The rumor that all the magazine
Finally gave him was a head start.


To Secessionist Leader, The Problem Is The "Urbanization" Of America

Has Colorado's Jeffrey Hare totally lost his mind?
Has he?
I bet he thinks the Unabomber's shack was way too


Many British Papers Covering The Murdoch Phone Hacking Trial End Their Stories By Saying, “The Trial Continues”

So proper, so English, so curious
That this is occurring:
Totally unnecessary and yet also
Strangely reassuring.


Thursday, November 7, 2013

Second Substance-Impaired Tape Of Rob Ford Surfaces: He Threatens To Kill Someone

This is one ugly and nasty video
A fact that's clear pronto:
It's like a deranged Chris Farley
Is the mayor of Toronto.

“Guns & Ammo” Editor Apologizes To Outraged Readers Over Pro-Gun Control Editorial

Jim Bequette had guts to write that piece and for
That should be admired --- at
The present he’s far less worried about being fired
Than he is about being fired at.


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Six Of Eleven Colorado Counties Vote For Secession

I izz sew tiredd ov thee govrnmint  telllin me wwhut too ddo.
Thhey kin all jus go rite too helll.
Furst theey wiill taik all our gunz aaand yeew no whats next?
Tellin uss hou to speek andd spel.  


Republicans Kicking Themselves To Have Lost Virginia Governor’s Race That Clearly Was Winnable

Some top strategist still seething this morning
(Unshaven and hung over in his robe)
Pulled himself --- and his party --- together and
Started a fact-finding transvaginal probe.


Unconfirmed Source Says Christie Attended PTA Meeting After Winning Reelection

It claims his attire was informal there ---
A windbreaker and jeans and sneakers.
It wasn’t even at one of his kids’ schools:
He just wanted to yell at some teachers.


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Toronto Mayor Comes Clean (Kind Of) About Drug Use

Sure, I care that Doug Ford’s admitted to smoking crack
And that to Canada he’s a one-man plague
But I’m just as bothered that he looks like a shop teacher
Who got kicked to the curb by Jenny Craig.


Rand Paul Wants To “Duel” Critics Who Call Him A Serial Plagiarist

Such prearranged fights with deadly weapons
Have a merit that is exemplary:
However, of course, this only applies if you
Are living in the 15th century.



Monday, November 4, 2013

Google Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt Says NSA Surveillance Has Gone Too Far

Mr. Schmidt, some of us feel the same way, too, but
Perhaps you never had one misgiving
About Google Earth posting many detailed pictures
Of the places we happen to be living.

I could elaborate, however, I have something else to do.
Full disclosure: I oughta warn ya
I'm off to Google Earth to check out that home you may
Still have in Atherton, California.


Sunday, November 3, 2013

1984's Infamous Subway Vigilante Arrested On Drug Charge

His long and winding journey? Let's
See what happened to Bernie Goetz.

Shooting punks left New York reeling, he'd
Now seem far happier simply dealing weed.


Classified Documents Reveal U.S. & U.K. War Games In 1983 Nearly Caused A Soviet Strike

The first headline about this in The Guardian sounded like
Working out was a lethal chore ---
It conveyed an altogether unintended meaning by saying,
"Exercise Nearly Led To Nuclear War."

Friday, November 1, 2013

Edward Snowden May Help Germany Investigate NSA Spying

Why would he decide to make this move right now?
I’d bet if you ran it by him
He’d admit because Germany is a much nicer place
Than Russia to seek asylum.



Tennessee Lawmakers Scheduled To Speak Before Secessionists With Hate Group Ties

My guess is if we look a little closer at some 
Of these alleged offenders
We’ll find not only hate group ties but also
Belts as well as suspenders.


Thursday, October 31, 2013

In New Book, Jon Huntsman Sr. Admits Telling Harry Reid That Romney Paid No Taxes For Ten Years

So, what we all need to do right now
Is quietly take a breath
And accept that life's only certainty
Would appear to be death.


Ex-Tabloid Editors On Trial For Phone Hacking In England Had A Secret Affair For Six Years

What a juicy story! It’s just the kind that Murdoch’s
Minions were always lurking for ---
They’ll have a field day with this. Hold on, I forgot:
It’s Murdoch they were working for.



Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Republicans Oppose Obamacare --- But They’re Angry That Computer Glitches Are Delaying Its Implementation?

Shouldn't all these screw-ups make them happy?
Why publicly put the onus
On HHS Secretary Selbelius? They instead should
Recommend she get a bonus.

This Isn't Music To The GOP's Ears

The Tea Party and traditional Republicans:
If some people had their druthers
Would break up permanently --- not unlike
The newly kaput Jonas Brothers.


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Obama Scales Back Eavesdropping Of U.N. Headquarters

However, he’s still listening to all calls at Showtime ---
This is precisely how he spends
His free time because he loves “Homeland” and wants
To find out how season three ends.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Second Black Shopper Arrested After Leaving Barneys And Being Wrongfully Charged With Credit Card Fraud

I predict a Barneys exec will give lots of swag to an Oprah audience
And dutifully do much bowing and scraping
But cops will then detain every Black person who got a free gift when
They’re three blocks away from the taping.


The Perils Of Skimming Headlines: “McCain Shoos Man From Phoenix Town Hall”

I thought there was a “t” after the “oo”
And imagined something gory
Which, you have to admit, would be a
Very different kind of story.


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Violin Played As Titanic Sank Sold For More Than $1.7 Million

Maybe it’s just me but if I’m ever in an ensemble
That’s sinking fast, trust me, that’ll
Be my cue to stop playing,  jump overboard & use
My stringed instrument as a paddle.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

JP Morgan CEO Dimon Is Eager To Move Beyond $13 Billion Fine

Jamie, let me take a moment here to
Politely remind you
When you are the problem, you can’t
Put it behind you.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Why Senator Ted Cruz Spending So Much Time On House Issues Is Like A Weird Neighborhood Watch Meeting

This guy has crazy ideas and warns any dissenters
That opposing him will mean a bruising defeat.
Someone finally gets a word in edgewise and then
Tells him, “You don’t even live on this street.”

In “60 Minutes” Interview, Dick Cheney Finally Gave Some TV-Loving Republicans A Reason To Hate Him

He kept secrets for eight years as Dubya’s VP
But felt there wasn’t any bad reason
To reveal a major “Homeland” plot point that
Helped define its second season?

Friday, October 18, 2013

Weiner Insists He’d Be Mayor “If The Internet Didn’t Exist”

Anthony, I can understand your disappointment and
How much you’ve resented it.
I suggest you send a below the waist selfie to Al Gore,
The guy who (duh) invented it.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Romney Gets Approval On Plans To Remodel His Home In La Jolla

The timing to do this couldn’t be better
Which means Mitt has no need to grouse:
He’ll be tearing down his home just as
The Tea Party has torn down the House.

Republicans Are Better At Identifying A Problem Than Knowing What To Do About It

Shutting down the government to stop Obamacare?
Not a well-thought out plan of attack
It’s like being bombed here at home by the Saudis
And then deciding to invade Iraq.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Ted Cruz Hired As A Waiter At Tortilla Coast Where He Held His Secret Tea Party Meeting In The Basement

“Yeah, I know you ordered the inside out burrito…  but unless
You reject Obamacare, I’m afraid I am
Unable to serve you & your only sustenance will have to be my
Reading from ‘Green Eggs and Ham.’”


Coming Soon To Op-Ed Columns And Political Talk Shows Near You

So, who exactly is to blame the most?
I won’t linger anointing
Boehner or Cruz. Let’s just sit back &
Enjoy the finger pointing.

Possible Upside Of The Republicans Shutting Down The Government

Some terrorists may wind up throwing in the towel.
“What a mistake we’ve made! The
Tea Party can hurt the U.S. much more than we can:
Maybe we can disband al Qaeda.”


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Rep. Rangel Compares Tea Party Republicans To Southerners Who Fought In The Civil War

Charlie, I know you’re trying to talk to tough but
You really have to do better. It
Is pretty clear that for the GOP it’s a compliment
To be called a “Confederate.”

Sign #1 It’s Not A Good Time To Attach Yourself To Ted Cruz’s Coattails

What single event best describes the current state
Of his debasement?
He met with House pals in a Tex-Mex restaurant
Down in the basement.


Lawmaker Detention, Anyone?

We tell our kids not to procrastinate
So that their future will be brighter
But here is our entire government
Shamelessly pulling an all-nighter.


Monday, October 14, 2013

GOP Congressmen Throw In The Towel Regarding The Shutdown

They decided to kick it to the other house
At the particular moment when it
Dawned on them they could now whine,
“We didn’t cave! Blame the Senate!”


Sunday, October 13, 2013

To Republicans Who Currently Doubt Any & All Polls

PeyserPoem for 10-13-13

Taking their lead from Ted Cruz, these folks would be wise
To not blindly ignore the specter
That like-minded pols who insisted Romney couldn’t lose
Now work in the private sector.


Friday, October 11, 2013

Reflecting On The Recent GOP Hissy Fit

Why does Boehner still feel that the shutdown
Was a worthy thing to try?
Perhaps because the weepy Speaker is so fond
Of having a really good cry.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Shutdown Update

PeyserPoem for 10-10-13

The GOP assumed they'd win and this would end
With glasses triumphantly clinking
But that odd noise you’re hearing across the nation
Is the sound of Republicans blinking.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Simplifying The Shutdown

PeyserPoem for 10-8-13

The Republicans broke in the White House, trashed it
And are proud of this unseemly assault.
However, they're all willing to step up and admit that
This entire mess is the Democrats fault.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Starbucks Says Guns Are "Unwelcome" But Not "Banned"

So declares its CEO Howard Schultz.
This really pulls my
Chain in how it so masterfully hits the
Indecision bull's-eye.

Monday, September 16, 2013

News Headline: "9/11 Anniversary To Be Marked With Somber Tributes"

Somber? Who knew? Great journalism, guys!
That's such insightful working.
I assumed Andrew Dice Clay would be booked
And Miley would be twerking.

Sheldon Adelson Would Be Willing To Help With Syria Predicament

What a welcome, generous offer! To this discussion
I'm sure he has a lot to bring, which
Would assist all parties concerned with this crisis ---
I do hope he calls President Gingrich.

Friday, July 26, 2013

The Private Parts Of Public Figures

I’ve seen Anne Hathaway’s lady bits and
Britney Spears’ too and yet
Both of these glimpses that showed up
For millions on the internet

Were photos exiting from cars on nights
Out that seemed glamorous ---
They weren’t intentionally sharing them
To be either risqué or amorous.

So, Mr. Weiner, who soon won’t be a
Mayoral candidate, I suggest
The next time you’re compelled to send
(Yet another) x-rated sext

Do it with a little style --- perhaps you can
Find a smart-looking speedo.
If not, please accessorize your johnson with
A tiny bow tie and tuxedo.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Followers Turn On Leah Rimini After Her Departure From Scientology

Members of any real house of worship
Would be sorry, too,
But all that people there would say is,
“We’ll pray for you.”

The response to Rimini from Scientologists
(To any child or adult)
Is so rabid that it once and forever proves
It really is a cult,

A cult that panics when someone leaves
And inspires a buffet of fears
Especially someone like Rimini who had
Been a member for 28 years.

Its clannish, clam-worshipping followers
All seem so twisted and bent:
Let’s leave the likes of Kirstie Alley to the
Shelley Winters of her discontent.


Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Why George Zimmerman's Defense Team Should Rot In Hell

Trayvon Martin left this world
With a terrifying scream
The worst that any of us could
Imagine in a bad dream.

This aural evidence alone was
So gripping and so grim
They had to argue, "You know,
That was George. Not him."

The dying cry that unlucky Trayvon
Agonizingly emitted
Became a defense ploy that helped
Get their client acquitted.

How low can lawyers go? Let
That show
When push comes to shove,
That low.


Whenever Zimmerman's defense team
Arrives at heaven's gate
I hope St. Peter says just for a moment
They'll have to wait.

He'll study their resumes and then blurt out,
"What was that crap for?"
Referring to lying about Trayvon's scream
As he opens the trap door.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Why NSA Leaker Edward Snowden Has Nowhere To Go

PeysersPoem for 7-3-13

by Kathy & Tony Peyser

When we applied to colleges, we were
Mindful of a crucial rule:
Pick one place we knew we'd get into
To be our "safety school."

Snowden’s currently up in the air & can’t
Claim any suitable location:
It’s his own damn fault that he neglected
To select a “safety nation.”


Sunday, June 30, 2013

Santorum Named CEO Of Christian Film Studio

Current projects that he now has in development include
A large number of things ---
“It’s A Wonderful Afterlife,” “All About Adam and Eve”
And “The Lion King Of Kings.”

One additional film in the pipeline Santorum hopes
Paul Newman fans will adore
Is based on a popular motion picture from 1967 ---
“Cool Hand Luke 1:1-4.”


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Supreme Court Justices Overturn Civil Rights Legislation

This court doesn't lean to the left, so it's no big
Surprise they didn’t deliver the right goods:
Is it me or do their black robes all of a sudden
Now seem a whole lot more like white hoods?

Thursday, June 20, 2013

T. & Sympathy

I once asked a casting director a question
She couldn’t ignore:
“Is there is a certain type of actor you’re
Always looking for?”

Geri Windsor smiled sweetly --- as if it were
Somewhat absurd of
Me not to know: “A great one around forty
Who no one’s heard of.”

That elusive commodity is still sought after now and
It wasn’t luck but Fate
That 37-year-old James Gandolfini met David Chase
Back in 1998.

Off they went & we all hopped in the back seat of
“The Sopranos” car. Is
It not true that Gandolfini became a star but also
Redefined what a star is?

I had looked forward to his future acting career & hoped
That Gandolfini would eventually play
Roles by lugs like Paul Douglas and Broderick Crawford
In “Clash By Night” & “Born Yesterday.”

But what might've been isn’t what’s important right now ---
What was the hand we’ve been dealt?
Seeing one of our greatest actors in one of the greatest roles
Who made us feel things we’d never felt.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Attention: GOP Politicians Whose Boys Made Anti-Gay, Anti-Semitic & Anti-Black Tweets

Listen up: there’s
No need, guys,
For any of you
To apologize.

This is simply who you are: do I have
To get out charts? Is
It not clear you’re not down with gays
Jews and schvartses?

These are your family values, along with
Hating women and loving guns ---
Is there any surprise at all these views are
Now being expressed by your sons?

Those groups will never vote Republican, so
Embrace these beliefs that form
The basis of just who are as well as your next
Presidential election platform.


Wednesday, June 12, 2013

What Does The Average Guy Think Of NSA Leaker Edward Snowden?

“Traitor? Hell, no! He’s an American hero!”
Will be their sole answer ---
Not for what he did in his job but because
His girlfriend’s a pole dancer.


Sunday, June 9, 2013

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

New Study On Los Angeles' Most & Least Successful

The haves have yachts
The haves have lots.
The have-nots' stomachs
Have lots of knots.

Republicans Bring Steven Seagal To Russia To Help Boston Bombing Inquiry

If he meets any questionable Chechens, he
Doesn't have to spit on them:
He can go into take care of business mode
And aggressively sit on them



Thursday, May 30, 2013

Michele Bachmann Won’t Seek Reelection

Campaign-related ethics charges are pending but
The thing that’s undeniably most odd
Is she could face jail time for the creepy way she
Used to whisper, “Je-hooo-vahh God.”

Sunday, May 26, 2013

To The Cowardly Terrorists Who Murdered That British Soldier In London

You hit him with your car, then used sharp knives.
Each of you is such a fraud ---
Afraid to fight fair, you hid behind your vehicle as
You also hide behind your god.

Boasting into that stranger’s cell phone, one of you
Looked both bloody & sweaty
Utterly clueless of the damage to your religion that
You just did with your machete.

Truth be told, I don’t know much about any religion.
However, the thing that doesn’t fly I’ve
Concluded is after hearing of that soldier’s killing
That Allah wanted to give a high-five.

Monday, May 6, 2013

A Thought About That Video Of Witherspoon’s DUI-Related Arrest

When Reese says, “Do you know
My name?” (which I love a lot)
She’s indignant. It’s not because
She’s so drunk that she forgot.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Attention All High School Students In Chechnya Who Don’t Hate America

You planned to come here for college:
You studied hard, didn’t get loaded.
Well, you need right now go to Plan B
Because your Plan A just exploded.


Monday, April 8, 2013

Mark Thatcher

Mark --- who was so often regarded
As a bit of a ninny ---
With others in 2004 tried to overthrow
Equatorial New Guinea.

This particular country was picked
If memory serves
Not for beauty but because of vast
Oil & gas reserves.

He paid a pretty enormous fine and then
Avoided jail.
(Having lots of money comes in handy
If coups fail.)

Having connections is also essential whenever
Attempting something sinister.
If you haven’t guessed, his mummy once was
England’s Prime Minister.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Rutgers Fires Basketball Coach Mike Rice After Viral Video Reveals Bullying & Abusive Slurs

The besieged Rice has expressed belated
Contrition as he swiftly switches
Gears to spend more time with his family:
I bet he calls them “sissy bitches.”

Rage like this is toxic and in its own
Special way kind of obscene:
It’s also tough to be a badass when
You look like Mister Bean.


Monday, April 1, 2013

Parking Up The Wrong Tree

April is National Poetry Month and Autism Awareness Month.
Since I’m a poet, have a son with autism and also know how to
multi-task, I always write a poem to celebrate both topics.


I parked right behind this mini-mall ---
It’s upscale and not at all sleazy
That offers a trifecta of pleasure: Peet’s,
Einstein Bros. and Fresh & Easy.

Before we got out for a snack, I thought:
My son Jeremy & I now are
Just a couple of guys out in the world
Casually relaxing in our car.

Jeremy gave me a fist bump & I recalled
Time that I spent with my Dad.
He didn’t notice what happened next ---
He was too absorbed in his iPad.

A well-to-do mom with several little ones
Sped up in her SUV
Sighed like a bad community theater actor
And then glared at me.

“You know,” she hissed through her open window
Pointing at my grown-up son,
“That spot is only supposed to be used by people
With children who are young.”

I did know this because there was a sign
Maybe ten feet from my face
Explaining the special people entitled to
Park in this particular place.

I told her, “My son’s autistic.” This fact
Sliced into her complaint like a knife.
“So, he’s pretty much going to be a child
For pretty much the rest of his life.

That’s the reason I’m parking here. I hope
I’m clearly explaining my view.”
Simultaneously shocked and also stunned
She now didn’t know what to do.

She began mumbling some kind of response.
I let this go on for a few
Moments, smiled and then asked her politely,
“Is this okay with you?”

Now more humiliated, she said sure it was.
Aware how badly she’d blundered
She then raced off faster than a car trying to
Finish the last lap at the Indy 500.

I’m sure our chat made an impact on her like
Being pelted by a fistful of rocks
And she realized how truly lucky she was for
At least two or maybe three blocks.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Justice Scalia Wonders If Same-Sex Parents Are Harmful To Children

His daughter, Ann, was booked for child endangerment
In 2007 --- my, my, my.
The other charge that came up during that traffic incident
Was, if memory serves, a DUI.

You really do have to think about how she was raised ---
Being a fair guy, this usually forbids
Leaping to conclusions but maybe different-sex parents like
Antonin & Ann aren’t good for kids.


Monday, March 25, 2013

Four Hikers Fall In Eaton Canyon, One Dies

(I live near a popular hiking spot in Altadena, California where nearly
every weekend some hapless nature lover gets hurt and then has to be
rescued. This situation is now beyond out of control.)

I’m so sick of reading headlines like that one
That I’m willing to be the front man
To suggest the bottoms of the waterfalls there
Need air bags as used by a stunt man.

If those were installed, when someone stumbles
And then rapidly plummets earthward, a call
To paramedics could probably be avoided since
Something would be there to break their fall.

Some of you may scoff at this notion and perhaps
Have already begun derisive smirking
But, seriously, is this idea any worse than what’s
In play now that’s clearly not working?

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Our Planet Is 80 Million Years Older Than Previously Believed

Things have gone so Hollywood:
Yes, we’ve reached the stage
Where even Mother Earth has
Been lying about her age.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

In Bill O’Reilly’s Divorce, He’s Strong-arming Church To Claim Marriage Never Happened

If he’s able to do this, the fallout
He can’t avoid
Is having to rename his children
Null and Void.


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Singer Michelle Shocked Shocks Fans With Onstage Anti-Gay Rant

Many clubs who’d booked her now
Insist she’ll never be back ---
Her only new gig will be appearing
This time next year at CPAC.


Thursday, March 14, 2013

The Vatican Big Shots Who Call The Shots

How do all of those pedophile
Priests label them?
Cardinals are the guys who’ll
Always enable them.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Putting Old Pictures Into The Favorite Things You’ve Read

This form of safe-keeping
Creates a curious amalgam
That transforms any book
Into a photo album.


But this 20th century habit
Has begun to dwindle
As more people turn to
e-readers like Kindle.


Yet the makers all of
These digital devices
May eventually realize
Precisely how nice is


This habit and find ways
For snapshots you took
To be inserted into your
Kobo Glo or Nook.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Bieber Screams "I'll Beat The F**ck Out Of You!" At Photographer

He’s tiny, super cute and when
The paparazzi en masse are sicced
On Justin, you can bet he will get
His Canadian asterisk kicked.


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Hugo Chavez Is Dead

If Sean Penn attends the funeral, right wingers
Will feel this is unholy.
I’m hoping he goes but only if he decides to

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Sign That Emeritus Pope Benedict Wants To Start Dating

I saw a photo of him & knew that ring
He wanted to toss his hat in:
His email was on his mitre along with
“Call me maybe” in Latin.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Postcards From Victory Park (Vol. 3)

From under ten to nearly twenty, they’re lured
By some sports-loving siren:
Year-round here it seems that baseball is being
Played on every diamond.

As my son and I walk by them on a daily basis
I wouldn’t call it coincidental
That the coaches are drilling into their players
Every kind of fundamental.

“Infielders! Don’t let ground balls get past you!
That can cost you a game!
Outfielders! Make sure you catch it before you
Throw it! Work on your aim!”

The kids have done the drills dozens of times and
Some seem a bit upset --- it
Is like they want to tell their coaches, “We know
This stuff & won’t forget it.”

On one field on the following Saturday afternoon
We couldn’t help quickly becoming aware
A real game was being played and we learned why
Coaches are going gray or losing their hair.

It was impossible for anyone watching to ignore
What had just occurred ---
An awful throw to first was followed by an even
More wretched one to third.

This made one coach apoplectic. He jumped up and down
And was loudly squawking about.
When Casey Stengel said, “Can’t anybody play this game?”
This is what he was talking about.