Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Lawmaker Steve LaTourette Is Retiring

In 2003, this Ohio Republican had
An unforgettable fling
With an underling whose name had
A most memorable ring.

I wonder if this LaTourette
Chap took
A special delight in hiring Jennifer

With a name like that, LaTourette
Couldn’t resist
This former aide who had become
A lobbyist.

How long did Mister LaTourette have to wait
To get a chance
For Laptook to put down her laptop & hop up
For a lap dance?

(People, I swear sometimes
The poetry elves
Intervene & these poems just
Write themselves.)

Like fellow philanderer Speaker Gingrich who
Often heard lots of boos & hisses
LaTourette hoped to put this behind him when
He made his mistress his next Mrs.

And like Republicans with wandering eyes
Whose behavior is contradictable
He wanted Bill impeached due to Monica ---
These guys are so predictable.


Romney Aide Tells Persistent Reporters In Poland To “Kiss My Ass … This Is A Holy Site For The Polish People”

It's always a treat when a guy like Rick Gorka
Finds time & poetically waxes.
Yeah, that oughta make those political writers
Stop asking about Mitt’s taxes.


Sunday, July 29, 2012

Michele Bachmann Has Questions About Huma Abedin: Why Isn’t She Also Worried About Samah Alreyyes?

Samah Alrayyes is a Kuwaiti PR specialist.
Why should anyone get more pissed
About her than Anthony’s Weiner’s wife?
Samah’s hubby is Grover Norquist.

She’s a Palestinian Muslim. Shouldn’t any
Republican devoted to all things Israeli
Be concerned she’s married to the guy who
Is the god right wingers pray to daily?

How do they really know Samah isn’t a spy
A devious and cunning smarty
Who has brainwashed Norquist and intends
To subvert the Republican party?

Friday, July 27, 2012

Romney Forgets (Or Doesn’t Know) The Name Of The Head Of Britain’s Labour Party

In related news, Mitt said he loves sci-fi movies
Whenever the aliens land
Approach an earthling and then boldly tell them,
“Take me to your Miliband!”

Romney Tells NBC He Doubts Olympics Will Go Well & British People Seem Insufficiently Excited

This gaffe so stunned pundits here and abroad
Some briefly seem to lack words ---
Humiliated, Mitt walked back his criticism like
A dressage horse walking backwards.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Kristen Stewart Apologizes For Cheating On Robert Pattinson In Brief Fling With Married Director

Stewart so often appears lifeless and depressed:
When walking she barely seems perpendicular.
It’s hard for me to imagine her having the energy
For something romantically extracurricular.

Livid Paterno Family Blasts Huge Sanctions Against Football Program

It’s now getting increasingly harder to hear his
Relatives bitterly then state
Once again Joe didn’t know what Sandusky did
To all of those boys at Penn State.

Harder still is how utterly clueless they are:
Joe’s reputation is tarred
And they’re no longer in a position to play
The indignation card.


Monday, July 23, 2012

The Dark Truth About Aurora

The one aspect of this tragedy from which
A powerful lobby runs
Happens to do with the absolute ubiquity
Of a little thing called guns.

The President can’t weigh in on this now:
He has already learned the lesson
That many independent voters are fond
Of Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson.

Selina Kyle warned Bruce Wayne about a storm
But now it’s time to size up
That threat as being against the NRA which may
Cause multitudes to rise up.

What A New Sports Statue At Penn State Should Look Like

Jerry Sandusky abuses a young boy.
The victim looks as if he may
Get help by waving to Coach Paterno
But Joe’s looking the other way.


Sunday, July 22, 2012

Controlling Even Discussion About Gun Control

Whenever there’s a shooting spree
I’ve learned to have no doubt this
Is when the NRA will insist this is
Not the right time to talk about this.

In related news, when Wall Street crashed
Causing panic in the world & our nation
Fortune 500 execs claimed this wasn’t
The right time to discuss regulation.

These crises on multiple fronts will go on
For, to hazard a guess, ever and ever.
The only time the powerful want to have
Such discussions is basically … never.

Trailer For The Movie-Connected Mass Shooting

Last Monday, longtime film writer Marshall Fine
Was the first critic who
Had posted on Rotten Tomatoes a rather negative
“Dark Knight Rises” review.

The response was both nasty & rapid:
The film geeks’ collective cry
Was so incensed that many expressed
The view that Fine must die.

This kind of insane behavior unquestionably
Merits a long look:
At least the Salman Rushdie fatwa involved
An entire book.

A death threat over a movie review?
This is now how bad it can get
With mouth-breathing knuckleheads
Typing amok on the internet.

Online anonymity can easily unleash those
Who may feel even a slight snub
To get in touch with their inner Tyler Durden
And act as if they’re in “Fight Club.”

Did these rants cause the Colorado attack?
No --- but they sure don’t help.
If you can’t be civil, stay off such sites and
Resume (or start) whining on Yelp.


Friday, July 20, 2012

The Mrs. Swings And Misses With “You People” Comment

With Mitt’s bitter half
The thing you get
Is basically Marie


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Rush To Judgment (Vol. 17)

My mother taught screenwriting at AFI
And said nothing was more appealing
Than a character who revealed something
They didn’t know they were revealing.

To hear Rush Limbaugh, one understands
He has forthright views to extol.
However … watching his radio broadcast
Shows a guy who’s out of control.

Bloated, red-faced, sweaty & apoplectic
What comes to one’s attention
Is this rage-filled man who’s all alone
Is in need of an intervention.

He seems ready to explode and the blast
That will be his undoing
Is because he’s been dining daily on all
The bile he’s been spewing.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Former NH Governor Calls Obama Un-American, Is Then Ordered By Team Romney To Apologize

John Sununu
Came out with a lulu
Ranting Barack’s from Honolulu
And made it sound like he was a Zulu.

Calling the POTUS un-American
Is a bit unwise if you peek
At Sununu’s ancestry which happens
To be Palestinian & Greek.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that
But unlike being born in, oh, Indiana
Is the fact that Mr. Sununu came into this
World in --- wait for it --- Havana.

That city is, let’s not forget, in Cuba
Where commies are known to dwell:
Given where he was born, how do we
Know he wasn’t loyal to ... Fidel?

He lost his Chief of Staff gig with 41
Due to a wide variety of abuse
Of his position like using official aircraft
For his own private use.

The part of this scandal that created
A host of yells and hollers
Was his personal plane tab wound up
At over $600,000.

Buh-bye, it’s been swell, see-ya!
The fact is more than a few knew
There aren’t many total yahoos
As loony and swoony as Sununu.


Sunday, July 15, 2012

Conservatives Blast Romney For Not Releasing His Tax Returns

All of the problems they reveal must be so enormous
He knows most voters couldn’t handle the truth:
To avoid going public, Mitt would rather drive around
With dogs, gays and lawn jockeys on his roof.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Amazing News! Drudge Says Condi Is On Mitt’s Shortlist For VP!

I’m speechless, dumbfounded & feel like
I’m always the last to know:
I could have sworn The Drudge Report
Had vanished years ago.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Romney’s Ill-Advised Defense Against Attacks He’s Hidden Money Overseas

Using a “blind trust” as a fig leaf
Only makes Mitt teeter ---
It’s like Chris Christie trying to
Hide behind a parking meter.


What Do Facebook Co-Founder Eduardo Saverin & Socialite Denise Rich Have In Common?

They’ve revoked their U.S. citizenship.
Hearing this, I laughed hard.
It’s the tax-based 21st century version
Of burning your draft card.


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Why Are People So Happy About The Break-up Of Cruise & Holmes?

She took the cards she was dealt & let
It be known she wasn’t bluffing.
How did it go? Feel free to do the math:
Katie 1, Scientology Nothing.


Monday, July 9, 2012

Reason #17 Why Romney Will Never Agree To Any Town Hall Meetings

A coed raises her hand. “Governor,
I wonder about your essential beliefs.
Regarding underwear, do you prefer
Magic boxers … or magic briefs?”


Saturday, July 7, 2012

Chris Christie’s Jersey Shore Meltdown With Pro-Teacher Passerby

In the annals of famous fat tough guys,
Gangster Al Capone
Deployed a baseball bat and for that is
Still widely known.

And here the Garden State governor
Was heard to piss and moan
Looking something less than macho
Wielding an ice cream cone.

Perhaps he was so mad because he was caught
Having this non-dietetic treat
The kind of food he swore to his doctors & wife
He knows better than to eat.

In any event, the only thing
About him
You could honestly call thin
Is his skin.


Katie Holmes Came To Her Senses & Dumped Tom Cruise

Good for you, sweetie --- I’m sure this wasn’t easy.
You’re happy as a clam since your ship
Has come in. By the way, it must be nice now to not
Have a stupid clam you have to worship.

If you’re a brainwashed scientologist out to censor
People trashing your cult with duplicity,
Please feel free to mention my name & my blog ---
(Truth be told, I could use the publicity.)

Friday, July 6, 2012

Romney Campaign Lets Criticism Of His Sending Jobs Overseas Go Unanswered

Mitt’s inability to have these attacks confronted
Suggests he’s endorsed
The idea of having all of his domestic surrogates
Be similarly outsourced.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

What Does It Take To Take The Prize At Nathan’s Contest? 68 Hot Dogs.

Only here in America
I can happily report
Is an eating disorder
Classified as a sport.

People are obese, people are starving
Times are lean, hopes are thin.
But hey (who cares?) Joey Chestnut
Just got his 6th straight win!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Prehistoric Restaurant Review On Yelp


Meat that's had contact with ... flames?
Don't even bother looking.
Fire is just a fad and so is this fancy
New trend called cooking.

Don’t get me started on the Stone Age decor.
It’s unbearable.
I don’t know what “service” is but trust me:
Theirs is terrible.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Egypt’s New President Vows To Win The Release Of World Trade Center Bomber

Mohammed Morsi wants to free the blind cleric:
Seriously? I guess this is probably a case
Of a guy who feels this is the best time for him
To throw some red shawarma to his base.