Two drunk men in their fifties
Unsteady on their feet
With liquor on their breath
Are here to trick or treat.
It was rapidly established
They were on the skids.
I calmly said, “C’mon guys:
This holiday’s for kids.”
“I got a costume! I’m John
Ireland in 'Red River'
Said the man with a clock
Ticking on his liver.
(This fellow had no costume and lying
Would be an essential factor
If I were to say he even slightly looked
Like that aforementioned actor.)
I politely nodded. “Ireland was
Also terrific when
He portrayed that reporter in
'All The King’s Men.'”
“To hell with that,” he said
With a grin obscene.
“John nailed Tuesday Weld
When she was 16!”
I’d had enough by now and
Said, “Don’t get sore:
I have no candy --- however,
They do next door.”
I sent them off in that direction
Knowing they’d soon quiver:
The dog there was meaner than
Ireland was in "Red River."
All they got out was “Trick or --- ”
Ballistic went the mastiff.
They took off down the street
So incredibly fast if
Anyone saw them fleeing, they all would
In a sudden flash have sensed
That Los Angeles’ first evening marathon
Had improbably commenced.
I bet they ran for blocks, as outdated as
Archy and Mehitabel
Looking for a bar or another world that
Was more hospitable.
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