Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Instead Of Saying Aspersions Were Cast On His “Character,” Louie Gohmert Said They Were Cast On His “Asparagus”

This was in a spat with Attorney General Holder:
The congressman seems stressed these days.
He’s overdue for some R&R and should head off
To relax on some much needed hollandaise.

That Kissing, Family Values, Married GOP Congressman Shouldn’t Have To Resign

Why should this now have to be the end of
Vance McAllister’s political life
When fellow Louisianan David Vitter slept
With a gal who wasn’t his wife?

The woman in Vitter’s case, you may recall,
Had credentials that would constitute
Her job description as not being an intern
But --- more accurately --- a prostitute.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Whenever You Hear This Phrase, This Is What It Really Means

It was said by Malaysian Airlines about
That plane that’s gone for good.
It was also said by officials about the last
Shooting spree at Fort Hood.

It was additionally said by Chris Christie
One of the last times that he
Was asked what was the reason behind
The traffic mess on the GWB.

“We may never know” is what they said &
I think it’s fair to suppose
That what they were actually thinking was,
“I hope no one ever knows.”

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

A Snapshot Of Jeremy

From the kitchen, I hear the muffled
sounds of things going on in my son’s

bedroom that shouldn’t be going on in
any room in any house. I soon find my-

self politely shrieking, “Jeremy, whatev-
er you’re doing, stop it!” (Variations on

this parental admonition are atop the daily
play list of all homes populated by autistic

children.) On my return to my son’s room,
I’m not sure exactly what he’s done but at

least it’s stopped. Jeremy’s as-yet-to-be-de-
termined shenanigans have segued into sus-

tained giggling, perhaps in the sheer delight
of my not knowing what he’s been up to. I

turn the TV off & inform Jeremy that he’ll
have to leave his bedroom if this keeps up.

I ask if he understands what I’ve just said.
Instead of responding with a simple Yes or

No, he nonchalantly stretches his right leg
out to its full extension, turns the TV back

on with his big toe & then gives me his most
innocent expression. However much I may

now desire to boldly assert my vast & final
authority, I’m helpless to do anything but

smile & surrender.

Senator John McCain Calls His Involvement With Disgraced Financier Charles Keating “The Worst Mistake Of His Life”

Even though Mr. Keating just died, he tweeted,
"My life wasn't smooth sailing
But, c'mon, I wasn't McCain's worst mistake ---
Wouldn't that be Sarah Palin?"

CNN Calculates It Could Take 2,995 Years To Find The Missing Malaysia Airlines Jet

2,995 is also the exact number
Of people who time and again
Admit they actually believe
The things they hear on CNN.